I’m writing this naked, with my clothes on…
Ok so yeah, this is a different kind of post from me. Why? I WANT on this course! Or maybe NEED? Want/need, not usually the same thing, but in this instance, it is. I’ve umm’d and ahh’d on how to get down what I want to say, and it feels all uncomfortable getting all these feelings out (one of my many typical INFJ traits), like I’m about to get all naked, even with all my clothes still on.
Now, let’s step back to the beginning. Waaaaaaay back.
I knew I wanted to do something creative from a very young age, I also knew I wanted to work for myself. I sucked at school (a bit of bullying will kill your confidence, teamed with never being able to see the board from not wearing my NHS budget free glasses will easily suck the life out of a pretty bright kid). Ok, maybe I didn’t completely suck, but I was very much middle of the road. I did the best I could keeping my head above water in class, and hiding myself into the background in any form of social way. Team that with going to a failing school, and parents telling me I should be a doctor, lawyer, accountant, instead of enter the creative world as I so deeply desired, lead for a pretty lonely and mixed up youth.
We jump forward a few years and I attend college, a fresh start from anyone who previously knew me, and I had 2 of the best years of my life surrounded by new creative people, in a design school. Now I guess things should have picked up from here, life should have ‘really started’ now I’d sent myself in to this new direction. Well it did, for a while, but life doesn’t always work out quite that peachy. It generally has a few more (hard) lessons it wants to teach you – and boy did my life want to learn the lessons it had up it’s sleeve for me.
After ass whooping lesson number 258:
I found myself very rich in life experience (the good, the bad, and the damn right fugly), but pretty damn poor in what I really wanted. The unfortunate trap of listening to what everyone else thinks would be best for you, what society deems the acceptable path you follow. In a nutshell, it can make you pretty friggin’ miserable. I’ll admit it, I’ve bought that miserable t-shirt, wore it to death, sewn it back up, and worn it to death some more. The t-shirt was never in style when I bought it, and it certainly wasn’t when I finally took it off. I won’t lie, it’s hard, soooooo hard, and scary too, going against what everyone tells you is the right thing to do, to go stand alone and say “no, THIS is right for me”, but oh the joyful, peaceful, beautiful, exciting sense of calm and fulfilment it gives you. And that’s what’s lead me to not only start this blog, but get my derrière on James’ course. I want more of that feeling, A LOT more. I’ve experienced it in small doses, and I’m craving, yearning for more, and bar sell my sole (oh wait, already done that! Lesson number 137 maybe??) I’m prepared to do pretty much anything to get it.
And what do I want to do with all this new learning?
Very good question dear reader, as always. Quite a few things actually, but I’ll explain the most important two to me.
I want to start (truly) leading the life I want to lead. I’m not naive enough to think it won’t be hard work, but when you’re doing something that you truly want to, that you truly feel is right, the hard work never seems to matter quite so much, it soon gets replaced with that lovely fulfilment feeling.
Not only do I want to use this opportunity to fill all my own self needs and wants, but I also want to be able to use it in a way I can inspire others. That ‘misery’ t-shirt doesn’t suit anyone, and whoever I can help inspire take off that raggedy old thing, and replace it with a far more fetching, confident, inspired, energising t-shirt, then that’s what I will do. I’m not really sure if I believe in karma, but I’d like to think so at times, and when someone presents you with an opportunity such as this, putting some goodness back out there in return makes my insides feel all ‘whole’ and warm and fuzzy again.
So I’ll take your words of encouragement, and feel free to cross those fingers for me too, cos I’m off to get me that new career!